Solitude

The history of Western culture, for the most part, has been a history of a diminishing social circle until there is often only the nuclear family left. In fact some cities (Edinburgh, Paris) already have more than half of all homes occupied by a single occupant. Through school and further studies we hopefully enjoy a circle of friends. But sooner or later, many of us settle into a long-term relationship and perhaps old friendships start to dwindle and new ones do not form because our time and attention is taken up by our partner and children. Or perhaps we feel our partner is all we need. So our life partner, by default, becomes our primary encounter. Modern life is increasingly atomised and individualistic and it might be thought that this would suit the loner. Certainly the anonymity suits the loner more than might a more traditional community setting. Society is very much prejudiced in these matters, such that we are made to feel a great lack if we have ‘failed’ to find a life partner. As such, many people will do almost anything to find and maintain a relationship so as to avoid the stigma of being alone. If however this relationship is nothing more than having someone else there, then its benefits may be outweighed by its disadvantages. If there is no real communication – no real conversation – then is this a relationship in anything more than name? As people we vary in our degree of sociability. There are some of us who are undoubtedly quieter types – happy to be alone. There are people who can be alone without feeling lonely. The loner though is not necessarily looking for continuous solitude. It is often more intimate and focused relationships that are sought – interspersed with quieter times. Anneli Rufus makes a very positive case for ‘the loner’ in her book, Party of One. She points out that few if any of us actually dislike other people in general. The loner however is more choosy than most about who they associate with. They may, for instance, have just one or two close friends rather than numerous more casual acquaintances. Loners have intense relationships therefore and tend to need time alone to process their engagements with the world. What the loner finds difficult is to be constantly immersed in situations where there are only superficial contacts with others. I think the loner finds this difficult because he or she is constantly trying to process all the trivial encounters that take place in such situations so just feels overwhelmed. Loners also often make good listeners and observers. They are often very creative. And of course, loners are apt to seek out stillness and silence. The non-loner, by contrast, does not engage so intensely and is therefore able to give minimal attention to trivial encounters, so these are not nearly so taxing. Non-loners need other people around in order to feel secure, but they don’t really feel the need to give others too much attention. In reality of course we are all on a sliding scale somewhere between the completely solitary loner and the most gregarious party person. As a solitary person himself, the author finds it difficult to understand why people seem to crave company so much and to be frightened of being alone. So this essay is close to bigging up solitude in comparison to company! Slowness, stillness, silence and peace are more easily found with at least some measure of solitude. It is solitude that allows for the cultivation of those things that lead to lasting joy rather than fleeting pleasures. So, I think the best I can say is not to feel ashamed if you find yourself alone – don’t think of it as a loss, but rather a chance to try living a different way.