The Bookshop’s Darkest Recess

There’s a certain ordering to bookshops’ shelves that tells us something of the owners’ expectations of their customers. Popular Science is often followed by Psychology, for instance, which is followed by Religion, which is followed by Self-Help. The ordering, it seems to me, follows the pattern of an increasingly desperate search for truth – especially perhaps, the truth about oneself. That awkward endpoint – the Self-Help section – is often in the bookshop’s darkest recess, tucked away out of sight of other bookshop customers. Here, you might claim to be looking for a book for a friend, or had simply stumbled in there by accident. I have to confess, at this point, that on occasion I have visited the self-help dark recess. I’ve returned, mostly unscathed, and with a few nuggets of wisdom that might be worth sharing. The first two are easy to state. Let go and let be. Watch and wait. The third takes a bit more unpacking, but let’s just call it ‘striving’ for now and unpack it later. So let me give you some thoughts on these. The first – let go and let be – is the easiest to explain. The only complication is that there are just so many things to let go of! The self-help books will tell you all of them in excruciating detail. In fact, they’ll tell you things to let go of that you didn’t even know you’d got. But I’d like to focus in on one thing in particular – let go of the need to be right. It’s easy to state but it cuts deep! There are so many versions of the truth. There are so many claims to knowledge. There are so many values, meanings, purposes and ethics. So there’s an overwhelming chance that one’s own version of truth, knowledge, value and all the rest will not be the same as almost anyone else’s. It’s a painful realisation! Horribly painful. And indeed, some folk don’t ever realise it. They go on inflicting their opinions on others all their lives. They never learn just to accept that others don’t share their views. What to do when we have to deal with all those folk who have different views from our own? Well, we are building towards answering that question with our next two topics. So, watch and wait. I don’t know where I first heard this one, but it’s been kicking around in my head for a while. The tricky thing about it is obviously – watch for what? Wait for what? To be honest, I’d rather it was ‘listen and wait’. Because I think the first part is mainly about listening. All those folk with the different opinions – that’s who we should be watching and listening to. Because, and I hate to break it to you, these folk might actually know something! These folk – dare I say – may actually know more than you. Well – and this is just my opinion of course – we learn a lot from people who have different opinions from our own, even if we might still conclude that they’re wrong. So, wait. The waiting is so that we do not respond straight away. The waiting is so that we find the ‘correct’ response – a response that will build people up, not tear them down. (Well, why, you might say. And I’d respond by saying that people are so much more than their truth, their knowledge, their opinions and so forth. In fact, often very much BETTER than these things. If we can engage the real person behind the opinions then, to my mind, we have struck gold.) This is where things get a bit more complicated. For how do we find the right words for such a task – answering to people who we may violently disagree with? It’s just an incredibly difficult thing. So, striving. And that takes a bit of unpacking. We could divide self-help books into two categories. One type attempts to lift us out of problems and back into some kind of ‘normal’ life. The problems might be grief, depression, despair, fear, anxiety, and more besides. Such problems are BAD – no doubt about it. So the authors of such books, I think, are justified in encouraging some striving to get folk out of their difficulties. But there’s a second type of self-help book. These ones start with us in our ‘normal’ state and aim to lift us to a state of higher achievement of some type or other – work, relationships – even spirituality. I’d suggest that striving is not a good method for such things. Indeed, Buddhist traditions would tell us that striving is actually the problem rather than the cure. Hence the waiting – from our previous mantra – watch and wait. Don’t strive, instead wait, and the thing that you’re trying to achieve will find its way to you, or not (and either way, it should not matter). In terms of answering those folk who hold different opinions to our own – we want a certain kind of cool. A coolness that will let us give the right responses at just the right time – and, as I’ve said, raise others up rather than put them down. But rather than strive for coolness, we await the gift of cool. Well, as I’ve said, getting it right is a difficult task, and giving what we might consider a ‘cool’ answer to folk might actually turn out to be anything but! That person with the different opinion is far from impressed. In fact, that person would rather have had an argument with you and your opinions than be smugly put down with your superior ‘cool’! I have to confess, at this point, to not being blessed with the gift of cool myself. (Maybe you could already tell!) So I guess we may be best to have an argument whilst I wait for the gift of cool to descend. But, you may be saying, surely, author person, most conversations aren’t like this anyway. Most conversations are about what we’re having for dinner and where we’re going on holiday. And you have a point, dear reader. But may I argue with you here and say that truth, values and opinions are still lurking in the background of all relationships amongst family and friends. Now, you may be someone who always keeps things superficial. And you may be ‘blessed’ (or cursed) with some combination of looks, mannerisms and general demeanour that suggests to others that you’re actually a very grounded and sensible person. But, sooner or later, one day some crisis will hit – as it always eventually does. And then the lack of depth will be revealed. If only you had looked stupid and inept in the first place – you might have gotten away with it! But no, now you’re shown up as a useless chump, making silly banter whilst others are trying to cope with overwhelming emotions that you’re too stupid even to be aware of. Well, there you go. I could have said it better, if only I’d been cool already. So yes, those self-help books are not entirely off track. Watch and wait, let go and let be. Find a bit of patience, a bit of wisdom. Listen closely, and if we cannot find a cool answer then perhaps the best thing to do is to stay quiet until the gift of cool arrives. I’ll follow my own advice now and shut up.