Pub Philosophy

The beer garden is quiet, despite the good weather. Kevin was sat in the sun with his top off. He’d had one pint himself already, and is waiting for the arrival of his friends, Gary and Derek, before having any more. They arrive at that moment, strolling leisurely into the beer garden with cheerful smiles. Both are large men, like Kevin himself, and with ample beer-bellies, but handsome men for all that. ‘Wocha, Kev!’ says Gary. ‘Wocha, Gary, Derek’, Kevin replies. ‘Wocha ‘avin?’ says Derek – this, sort of a word-play on the ‘wocha’ greeting…. A bit difficult to explain really, but suffice to say, the banter had already started. ‘Make mine a beer!’ Gary and Kevin chant in unison. Derek smiles and turns back to the bar to order them their drinks. When he gets to the bar there’s a group of five young guys there, buying shots and downing them in one. They’re already very drunk. ‘Alright, big man’, the leader (there’s always a leader) says to Derek. ‘Alright.’ The young men all laugh and then make silly impersonations of Derek’s reply: ‘Alright. Alright.’ The leader turns to Brenda, the landlord’s wife, and asks for another five shots. ‘Think you’ve had enough boys’, she says. ‘Best you just set off now.’ The leader leans across the bar and tries to grab Brenda’s arm. Derek catches him by the back of his T-shirt, pulling him down forcibly onto a bar stool. The leader spins round and tries to throw a punch at Derek. Derek easily catches the punch in his own big right hand, and holds on. The leader's face contorts in pain. Derek marches him to the door, forcing the leader to walk backwards. When they’re outside he says, ‘Go home son. Don’t want no trouble.’ The leader only pulls a knife! But this doesn’t phase Derek one bit. He bats it away with his left hand as if it were just an annoying wasp. Derek comes back to the bar, picking up the fallen knife on the way. He stands next to the remaining four lads. Brenda looks at Derek, as if she is suggesting she do something, like call the cops. But Derek narrows his eyes and gives the slightest shake of his head. The remaining boys are whispering amongst themselves, looking awkward. They keep looking over at the door, but their friend’s not coming back in. Eventually one of them says, ‘We didn’t mean no harm mister.’ So it’s mister now! ‘No worries’, says Derek. ‘Best you be getting along now.’ There is more whispering and then finally they turn and leave. Brenda let’s out a long sigh. ‘Woz wrong vid’em, eh Derek?’, she says, ‘the rest of us ‘as evolved.’ Derek’s not sure he agrees with Brenda’s judgement, but he just says, ‘yeah, right Brenda.’ Derek returns to Kevin and Gary with their round of beers. ‘What took ya?’ says Gary. ‘Spot of bovver.’ ‘What bother?’ ‘Ah, nothing. Hardly worth telling. What you guys on?’ ‘We was just saying about euthanasia…’ This perhaps is where Kevin, Gary and Derek might seem a bit different from other men who drink beers in bars. The conversation is rarely about football, cars or women – and why assume it ever has to be? These guys break the stereotype at this point. For the most part, their conversation focuses on issues currently in the news. It might be politics, but could easily be abortion, LGBTQ issues, taxation, climate change – or, like today – euthanasia. The guys don’t argue exactly. It’s more of a debate than an argument. They don’t do anything with their conclusions – if there are any conclusions – but might come back a few days later with further thoughts or revised opinions. I call it pub philosophy. This is a friendly pub (well, generally!) and the three guys are especially careful to say a brief hello to anyone they see who’s not a regular. I remember one time a really posh-looking bloke came to the pub. You could tell he was something important like a doctor or a lawyer. Kevin had been at the bar and said hello to him. ‘What do you do then, mate?’ Kevin had asked. ‘Er, I’m at the university,’ the man had replied in a quiet voice, obviously quite drunk. ‘Oh yeah? What do you do there then?’ ‘I’m a professor – professor of philosophy.’ Kevin was taken aback. ‘Jesus, mate!’ he said, ‘d’you wanna come an’ sit with us? We was just havin’ a debate about gene cloning.’ The professor was intrigued enough to join Kevin and the others. Before long he’d lost any inhibitions he might have had and was merrily chatting away. What a range of subjects they covered that night! The professor said they were all matters of ethics and that his speciality was more along the lines of metaphysics. He gave a quick summary of what metaphysics is all about. The others got stuck in debating about this as well. Anyway, they kept in touch. The professor drops by from time to time, to get another sampling of pub philosophy. I think he finds it refreshing. It’s around half-past five now. The sun is still warm and the guys could have stayed on a bit longer. But Kevin looks at his watch and interrupts the conversation (now onto the future of artificial intelligence). ‘Lads, the ladies.’ ‘Oh, right, of course’, the others chime in. They set off for the washroom to clean up and put on some neat shirts they all had with them. For this evening their wives are joining them for a drink. The ladies arrive and they’re smartly dressed. They’ve obviously gone to some trouble with hair and makeup. Brenda has gone home by now and has been replaced at the bar by her husband Pete, plus a barmaid to help out as the place gets busier. ‘Alright girls’, Pete greets the ladies as they walk in. ‘Alright Pete.’ They head on through to the beer garden, to which the guys have now returned. The guys have now chosen different seats – ones that are in the shade – and they stand up as their wives approach. There’s an exchange of hugs all round and then everyone gets settles and studying the menus. Pete puts on a good range of food. They’re proud of their husbands, the three ladies. Not high-flyers, by any means. But certainly not low-lifes, or lazy, or dodgy. Just solid, dependable, regular guys. Diamond geysers. Salt of the Earth. And what more, really, could a girl ask for? That’s their feelings. Sharon, Tracey and Susan are likewise dependable women. The guys love their wives like nothing else on Earth. But again, this is where things get a bit different. Because I’ve sat with them all sometimes. And I tell you, it’s not the usual table of guys out with their wives. Sure, it’ll start off with some news of family, plans for holidays, and all that. But then you’d expect the women to gradually start chatting amongst themselves, and likewise the guys. But it’s not like that with these folk. After a bit, one of the guys might say, ’we was just having some thoughts on…’ and then mention a topic that had come up amongst the guys earlier. The ladies might then take turns to share their thoughts. And the guys would really listen. I mean REALLY listen. Because the different perspective is always worth serious attention. And that’s just like them – all that listening and considering – pub philosophy at its best. It’s an odd place, a pub. Much more social than a restaurant or a café. Or, I could say, social in a different way. Because people weigh you up when you go in there. Are you posh? Are you a bit above yourself? Are you phoney? Are you dodgy? Are you lonely? Are you flighty? Are you genuine? And then, well, if it’s a friendly enough pub, you might be okay, even if you don’t fit in too well. But if it’s an unfriendly pub, and you don’t fit in with the majority, well then, it will be a struggle. You might be better to take yourself off somewhere else. You might be better to have a bit of a think about what went amiss there and if it’s really the regulars who have it wrong or if it might not actually be you…. Well now, you might be thinking, how do Kevin, Derek and Gary fit into all this? They’re not regular guys really, are they? They’re not your typical pub-goer? But no, I think we have to look closer. It might SEEM at first, that certain folk are going to behave in certain ways, based on their appearance, their accents, their mannerisms. But if you wait a bit, and listen a bit, you might find that people will break your expectations. People could be a lot more surprising that you’d ever think. And that’s how it is with these guys. Pub philosophy, eh? I’m glad I joined in. I’m glad I took the time.